Born of Pain
by Child of Insanity
Summary: Sometimes the pain of loss is better shared, and sometimes that pain is all that's needed for to people to realise what they could have. {Post X2} [CyclopsWolverine SLASH]


Title: Born of Pain  
  
Rating: PG-13 (I think)  
  
Disclaimer: NOT MINE! Whilst they Logan and Scott are pretty, and I would *love* to own them, they sadly do not belong to me.  
  
Summary: Sometimes the pain of loss is better shared, and sometimes that pain is all that's needed for to people to realise what they could have.  
  
Warning: SLASH! First X-men fic so potentially crappy and OC. I'm hoping its not too bad, and that for a person who's main fandom is Harry Potter, this doesn't fall too short.  
  
Note: This fics been floating around on my computer since shortly after X2 came out, but I never got the chance to upload.   
  
R&R, n enjoy!  
  
~Born of Pain~  
  
Two weeks had passed since Jean's death, and for Logan, the grief that he had felt when she had died hadn't lessened in the slightest. He still ached inside whenever he thought of her, and as a result of that he tried to think of her as little as possible. His success in that was hindered, however, whenever he was near Scott. Like he currently was.  
  
It was the middle of the night and as a result of his being unable to sleep, Logan had wandered into the kitchen to get himself something to drink. He had found Scott sitting at the table, chin resting on his hand, and staring moodily at a point in the distance. Scott's eyes were hidden behind his glasses, but Logan was sure that if he could see them, they would contain the same haunted look that he saw whenever he looked at his own eyes in the mirror.  
  
He took a drink of the soda that he'd grabbed, wishing, as always, that he had a beer instead and set to staring at the wall, deliberately not thinking about Jean. But he could see Scott out of the corner of his eye, and knew that he was thinking about Jean, knew that he was wishing that she hadn't died, and began to wish the same thing.  
  
Unbidden, an image appeared in his mind, a scene he had stumbled across by accident when he'd first arrived at the school. Scott and Jean, in the garden, just holding each other, nothing more. The emotion expressed in that embrace had been easily visible, although he had denied it fervently at the time.  
  
//He really loved her.// Logan thought tiredly, tearing his gaze from the wall to rest fully on Scott. //He still does. And,// he thought sadly to himself, hating the truth even though it had been in his mind constantly for the past two weeks, as if it were mocking him. //She loved him.//  
  
He remembered the words that he had said to Scott after Jean had died, when the grief had been far fresher than it was now. Jean did make a choice. It was you. He hadn't been sure why he'd told Scott that, he still wasn't. All that he'd really known was that it was something that Scott needed to hear. Although, looking at Scott who still hadn't moved since Logan had entered the room, he wondered if the words had actually done any good, whether they'd actually made Scott feel any better. He doubted it.  
  
Scott chose that moment to look at him, and Logan felt strangely naked – Scott could read what was in his eyes, but Logan could only guess at the emotions that hid behind Scott's glasses. It disturbed him, and the feeling only grew as neither of them said anything, only stared at each other in tense silence.  
  
Logan realised that their feelings towards each other, their mutual dislike, was pretty much pointless now that Jean was gone. It had been centred on Jean, and on the fact that Scott held her affections while Logan was only the dangerous stranger, constantly trying to sweep her off her feet. And, he admitted to himself with a small amount of guilty satisfaction, almost succeeding.  
  
It was a bitter thought, though, and Logan pushed to the back of his mind, still trying to avoid thoughts of Jean.  
  
The silence was beginning to grate on his nerves, and he searched desperately for something to say. It was difficult, he'd never really spoken to Scott without trying to irritate the other man, and all he could come up with was, "You couldn't sleep either?"  
  
Something about the way Scott paused before answering him, made Logan think that he hadn't been expecting that question.  
  
"No." Scott answered finally. "I couldn't. I was-" he paused, took a deep breath, then continued. "-thinking of Jean."  
  
"So was I." Logan admitted. //Or trying not to// he corrected himself mentally.   
  
The silence returned after his admission, but this time he noticed that Scott was trembling slightly. He remembered back to the jet, just after the water had taken Jean. Scott had lashed out at him then, before collapsing against him, and clutching him tightly. They'd been reeling the same pain then as they were now, and while it had not been nearly comforting enough, it had been something.  
  
He wondered if he would ever find enough comfort to take away the pain.  
  
He reached out a hand, and touched Scott's cheek lightly, almost expecting the wetness of tears, but finding none there. Scott leaned into the touch, then suddenly they were both moving, and clutching at each other desperately, with fierceness that made Logan ache for something more. It was more shared pain and comfort, but once again it wasn't quite enough.  
  
Scott's hands clutched tightly at the back of Logan's shirt, his head pushed against Logan's shoulder, breath tickling Logan's neck. It almost felt good, almost as if it was the way that they should have been holding each other since they'd first met.  
  
Almost enough, but not quite, and Logan had a feeling that he knew what they needed to do to achieve the comfort that they couldn't quite reach, but he was afraid to make the first move.  
  
^%^  
  
Sixteen days now since she had died, and Scott and Logan were alone again, this time with Scott watching Logan swim laps across the pool, his feet dangling idly over the edge and into the water.  
  
"Jean and I used to swim together," Scott told Logan. Logan paused mid-stroke and looked up at him. He was tempted to grab onto Scott's leg and pull him into the water, to watch Scott's white shirt got wet and clung tightly to his chest. But he didn't think that the other X-men would appreciate it, so he simply trod water and waited for Scott to finish what he was saying.  
  
Scott smiled sadly at Logan. "I wish I didn't miss her so much."  
  
Logan nodded in agreement. "So do I, and I didn't know her as well as you did." A thought occurred to him, and he frowned. Perhaps his and Scott's pain wasn't that similar after all. Scott had been so much more to Jean than Logan could ever have hoped to be, and Jean had been the same to Scott. He understood Scott's almost constant silence since Jean's death now, and the anger and jealousy that Scott had directed towards Logan when Jean had been alive. He didn't have a chance in hell of getting as close to Scott as he'd come to realise that he wanted to. There was no reason for Scott to want him to anyway, not after all that he'd done, not after everything that had happened between them.  
  
He turned away from Scott's sad face and began swimming again. He wondered if it was possible for him to drown. Stryker's assistant had, but then she'd been overdosed on adamantine at the time. He'd probably just float right back up again.  
  
A splash behind him, and he turned sharply, wondering if Scott was trying to do what he had been just thinking of, only with a likelihood of having considerably more success than him.  
  
But Scott was heading towards him, and Logan bit back a sigh of relief, then an exclamation of delight when he saw that Scott had removed his shirt.  
  
"I hate swimming alone," Scott explained, coming to a stop in front of Logan. "and you're already in the water so I figured…" he trailed off, shrugging.  
  
Logan blinked innocently at him, or at least tried to. "Does this mean we're having sex afterwards?" He immediately regretted his words; they were harshly uncaring and far to close to what he really wanted to do.  
  
But Scott just smirked at him, much to Logan's surprise, and began to swim.  
  
Logan watched him for a moment, carefully. He knew that it was stupid, but he couldn't help wishing that Scott's lack of response meant yes.  
  
^%^  
  
It had happened suddenly and entirely by accident. They'd finished swimming and had been getting changed, when they'd turned to face each other at the same time. There had been a pause, where absolutely nothing had happened, then suddenly there had been hands and mouths, and they were kissing frantically.  
  
It had felt completely different to kissing Jean. There had been far more desperation and passion, and considerably more mutual. It had been perfect while it had lasted, but even mutants can't go without breath for too long, and when they pulled away, what had passed between them during the kiss was gone. Instead there were embarrassed flushes, and an awkward silence, until after what seemed like an eternity, Scott muttered something and left.  
  
Logan silently slid to the floor, and buried his face in his hands, wishing desperately that he could take it all back. Wishing desperately that the thought of never feeling Scott's lips on his own again didn't hurt so much.  
  
^%^  
  
"We're going to be walking zombies if we keep meeting like this." Logan remarked as he walked into the kitchen, only to find Scott already there, calmly drinking something that looked suspiciously like-  
  
"Beer!" Logan exclaimed, snatching the bottle from Scott's hand and taking a long drink before passing it back. Scott looked torn between being amused at Logan's reaction, or angry that he had just lost some of his beer. "Where did you get that?"  
  
Scott smirked, an expression that Logan had decided his face fell naturally into. "Wouldn't you like to know?"  
  
"Yes I would." Logan growled, glaring at him. "And I can sprout sharp painful metal things from my knuckles."  
  
"Is that a threat?" Scott asked, laughing. It was the first time that Logan had heard him laugh since Jean had died. It was a good sound, he decided as Scott continued. "Remember what I can do with my eyes."  
  
//Make me want to fuck you senseless?// He didn't say that out loud though, simply smiled instead.  
  
"There's none left anyway," Scott told him, drinking the last of his beer as if to emphasise his words. "this was the last one."  
  
Logan growled and shook his head in denial. "Goddammit. Fucking bastard."  
  
"Me?" Scott raised an eyebrow, then held out a hand to Logan. "Come here."  
  
Logan did so, the distance between their faces, between their lips, getting less with each breath. Just a little further and they would be kissing again. Just a little and-  
  
"Logan." Rogue. He pulled back with a growl, only mildly satisfied by the disappointment that he saw on Scott's face.  
  
He turned slowly, schooling his face into a neutral expression, then looked at her questioningly.  
  
"And Scott,." She continued the expression on her face unreadable. She'd been on first name basis with the group of X-men since Magneto had used her to try and turn the world leaders into mutants. Since the ordeal with Stryker, she was pretty much one of them. She twisted her lips into something that was halfway between a smile and smirk and cocked her head to the side. "Well don't let me interrupt you. Continue with what you were doing." She leant against one of the cupboards and folder her arms across her chest, watching the expectantly.  
  
Scott laughed – or was that a choke – and Logan twisted around to look at him, raising an eyebrow. He really hated those glasses; he couldn't stand never being able to tell what the other man was thinking.  
  
"Really." Rogue said from behind them, voice full of barely supressed laughter. "Please go on. I promise not to breathe a word to anyone."  
  
Logan growled again in frustration. "It's late, Rogue," he told her, trying to keep his voice calm, and failing horribly. "and you have school tomorrow. Go back to bed."  
  
"Logan…" she whined, immitating the voice of a small child. "I'm not tired."  
  
"Well you should be." Logan replied, irritated. "Go to bed."  
  
"Fine." She replied. He turned around in time to see her unfold her arms and stand up straight. And wink at them. "Have fun."  
  
Then she was gone, and once more he was left alone with Scott. Then once more, Scott's hands were on him. Once more they were kissing frantically, with a passion fueled by desperation and grief, and maybe even just a little touch of madness as well. They pulled away again, but this time there was no embarassment, nor any awkward silences. Only eyes filled with longing, and then a sweltering flare of desire as their lips met again.  
  
^%^  
  
Somewhere in their passion-filled haze, Logan had realised that if Rogue had nearly walked in on them, then there was nothing to stop any of the school's other inhabitants doing the same.  
  
And he really didn't think that there was enough rationality left in his mind for him to offer anyone an explanation of what was happening.  
  
They'd retreated at high-speed to his room, and once there had immediately begun divesting each other of their clothing.  
  
There had been kisses, hot and intense and demanding. And there had been more, oh so much more. And then nothing, just bliss.  
  
^%^  
  
Waking up the next morning felt strange. It was a tangle of sheets, arms and legs, the scent of sweat and sex clouding the air. As he looked down at his and Scott's bodies entwined together, for a brief moment Logan couldn't quite work out where he ended, and Scott began. Then he moved his leg experimentally, and Scott mumbled something, naked body rubbing deliciously against Logan's own, and he was deliciously aware of what was his, and what he wanted to do with it.  
  
But it was morning, and Scott had classes to teach. Reluctantly he untangled himself from Scott, then slid off the bed and quickly got dressed.  
  
Scott was still asleep when Logan finished, and he poked the other man in the chest to wake him up. A sleepy 'wha?' and a couple of minutes later, Scott was dressed as well. Another kiss – far less demanding than the others that they had shared – and Scott was out the door, leaving Logan alone to contemplate the previous night, and its implications.  
  
^%^  
  
Whatever dignity Logan thought he possessed was torn to shreds when Xavier passed him in the hall, and calmly asked how his and Scott's night had been. Logan had stared at him open-mouthed, until Xavier had chuckled to himself and wheeled away, leaving Logan to stare after him in horror.  
  
As a result, when Rogue asked him the same question, he snapped at her, regretting it almost immediately when he saw the hurt expression on her face. He apologised, and her eyes twinkled as she told him that he was forgiven.  
  
Then she completely threw him by asking him, quite sincerely, if he and Scott had slept together.  
  
He tried to look disgusted and innocent at the same time as he answered her, but suspected that he failed. "Why the hell would we do that?" he growled.  
  
"Because you're bother horny bastards," she told him, her tone teasing. "And you liiike him…"  
  
He wasn't entirely sure how much younger Rogue was then him, but he decided that she was far too young to be saying that to him. He'd thought she had a crush on him anyway.  
  
"Besides," she continued, oblivious to Logan's indignation. "I saw the was you looked at him last night, and don't think that I didn't realise you were trying to get rid of me so the two of you could be *alone*. It's obvious, and I'm not stupid."  
  
"Sure you're not," Logan replied, voice oozing sarcasm. "just really irritating."  
  
"Why, thank you, Logan." She replied, grinning at him. "You really know how to make a girl feel loved."  
  
He scowled at her, then smirked. "It's all part of my charm." He told her. Charm that had him sleeping with the former boyfriend of the woman who he had spent large amounts of time trying to convince to have sex with him. //And,// he thought. //I don't think that made any sense at all.//  
  
"Right," she said. "Well, I have class now. So…have fun with Scott tonight."  
  
She was gone before he had the chance to do anything more than growl at her.  
  
^%^  
  
He was cold and he was tired, but above all he was lonely and bored. His bed was empty and he frowned at it, not approving in the slightest. It wasn't that he wanted Scott, really it wasn't, he just needed the company, a sympathetic ear, even if what he wanted Scott for had nothing to do with talking.  
  
Five minutes later he was in Scott's room, kissing the other man fiercely. Gentleness wouldn't do for their kisses, gentleness would have implications that Logan wasn't ready to deal with yet.  
  
Then the kisses became something else, and there was sex as well, numbing, almost mindless, sex. A release for the feelings that had been haunting them for weeks and for feelings that had only been awakened a few days ago.  
  
Logan wondered, as he lay beside Scott afterwards, whether anything would ever come out of what the two of them were doing. Whether they would progress from kisses and sex where no one could see them or say anything about it to something more. But he supposed that they already had. Rogue and Xavier had both commented on it, and both seemed to know what was going on. How long would it be before someone else noticed as well? And would they ever have something worth noticing? Would they ever have more than those heated kisses, or that mindless sex? Would there ever be anything more? And did he want there to be?  
  
He turned on his side, and looked down at Scott, sleeping peacefully beside him. It would be a nice sight to wake up to, and yeah, maybe he did want there to be something more.  
  
~Fin~ 


End file.
